“I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom.” -Chuck Palahniuk
This quote isn’t just relevant to me as a struggling writer; it’s relevant to me as a struggling human being. I don’t just struggle with writer’s block. I struggle with who I am as a human being.
I struggle with the fact that I am an only child, and that I don’t really know that much about sharing my life and my internal world with other people. That occasionally makes being married harder than I expected. I’m not used to accommodating and sharing my thoughts and dreams with others, but I fully believe that learning how to share my life with someone else is making me a better person and a better writer.
I struggle with Type II Bipolar Disorder, but I don’t struggle nearly as much as I used to before my husband and I started dating. Having someone in your life who loves you in spite of the occasional period of depression or mania tends to put things on a more even keel. Still, I sometimes struggle with those feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness that come along with depression. Unlike this quote, hopelessness does not equal freedom for me. Freedom comes for me when I have these feelings of hopelessness and my husband is there for me in spite of them. Freedom is my husband having faith in me and my writing even when I don’t have faith in myself.
I have found freedom in learning to share my life–even the ugly, messy, dark, hopeless parts–with someone who loves me and has faith in me. My husband, Lake, is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.